Why does one write, when one writes? Who knows? I have no answers to my own whims and fancies concerning penning down my thoughts. Things sometimes seem important enough to write about and then sometimes things are too important to write about. I am trying to find a way of expressing myself without laying myself bare to the world. I want to be able to communicate my fears and anxieties without seeming either fearful or anxious. I wish to hide myself and let myself be known. I wish to find a razor thin edge of sanity among a maze of contradictions.
The only thing that keeps bringing me back here and keeps making me send my blog link to everyone is my desire to write. I don't think it has anything to do at all with expressing myself, making myself heard or known (at least not too much of that). It's about this overwhelming need to put thoughts down into words. See them form sentences that roll off the tongue and inspire thoughts. A lot of my writing is pure vanity. I don't think that is any great revelation, and I am in no way repelled by that thought (you might be). But yes, for me prose needs not just to be substantial but beautiful. It needs to be lyrical. Sometimes utter nonsense can seem so magical. The beauty lies in the structure of the prose. In its form, in the grace of its flow, in the atmosphere it creates. The words may not inform you of anything new and wondrous and yet the best prose is that that makes the old and tired wondrous by the very act of stating it.
Writing is a very personal experience. I am always in awe of people who can open themselves to the world with such abandon. I periodically get scared of these thoughts and withdraw from expressing myself through the one medium I can manage. I not only want to write, I was meant to write. My voice is not my vehicle of choice. I cannot make myself heard over a crowd. When I draw or paint, I can never convey exactly what I mean to. The beautiful drawing so fully formed within my brain, with such beautiful colors, with such poignant figures, can never be communicated to the world through my hands. My art is for my mind's eye alone. I am no athelete. My body has no perfection which it can convey through movement. I cannot take anyone's breath away by a display of grace. What remains are words.
They are my only and constant companions. I devour them each day by the thousands. I create them each day, renew them from old origins and mould them to become mine. I train them to be all my eyes, hands and body can never be. I use them to cast the reader's mind into a state that is all new and all mine. Do I succeed? Success is irrelevant. I am no famous author. I do not have any obligations to entertain or inform. I have no bars I need to reach. No finish lines to cross, no deadlines to meet. I am in my way free. Free to write what I want to. Free to be.
Do I envy success? Hell yes. Do I want to be as famous as the famous? Hell yes. But right now. With what I have, I am happy. I am happy to be able to do at least what I can. I need not be agreed with. I need not be annoyed with. I just get to be me. I try to make my prose all I think it needs to be. I try. That's the best I can do or say.
Monday, December 29, 2008
tagged!
Sukanti tagged me. Well kinda sorta. Anyway, if you've read the post before this you will know my state of mind about writing right now. This is an easy way out. I have questions, I have structure. I just need to answer stuff. And it's pretty entertaining to boot. So here goes:
1.Been arrested?
Nope. Boring is my middle name.
2 . Thought your cousin was hot?
Nah.. trying to remember, but I'm pretty sure I haven't.
3. Been in love?
Yup.
4. Gone over the speed limit?
No. See explanation in answer 1.
5. Painted your room?
My dream to do so. Haven't yet.
6. Danced in front of your mirror?
Nope. I don't dance. period.
7. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Come to think of it I have. It just isn't as sinister as this question makes it out to be.
8. Snuck out of your house?
Nope. Always managed to make excuses. :)
9. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Yup. Story of my life.
10. Been dumped?
Nope. Left a bad relationship, but no dumpings yet.
11. Left your house without telling your parents?
Nope actually. I thought I might have, but never.
12. Had a crush on your neighbor?
Hmm... nope.. Had many crushes. Never neighbors though
13. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex ?
uhh.. bed no... together on mattresses laid out on the floor.. yes...
14. Seen someone die?
yes... tht's all i have to say abt tht
15. Kissed a picture?
nope... never been that sentimental
16. Slept in until 3?
nope...
17. Love someone or miss someone right now?
yes... but not in a sad way at all.. and its not what you think... i miss and love a lot of people right now..
18. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
yup... not as often as i wish i could tho..
19. Played dress up?
not really... remember getting in sari gear once tho..
20. Cheated while playing a game?
sure.. i should be arrested when i play card games...
21. Been lonely?
yup... very..
22. Fallen asleep at work/school?
nope... not because am dedicated, diligent etc.. just cause those are really interesting places you know..
23. Been to a club?
been to bars... havent been to a club yet... see answer one to qualify these responses
24. Felt an earthquake?
yup... once.. the bhuj earthquake.. it hit us in bombay.. i was brushing my teeh and wondering why my bathroom sink was pushing back at me before i realized what was happening..
25. Touched a snake?
nope.. dont think am missing out on anything tho
26. Made out in a movie theater?
yup..
27. Been in a car accident?
nope...
28. Hated the way you look?
Yes.
29. Witnessed a crime?
nope..
30. Been lost?
hmmm.. cant remember... dont think so..
31. Been to the opposite side of the country?
been to west coast USA and east coast India... so yeah..
32. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
yup...
33. Cried yourself to sleep?
nope... i do the crying way before bedtime..
34. Sang karaoke?
nope.. would like to tho..
35. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
yes... not proud..
36. Kissed in the rain?
yup...
37. Sung in the shower?
yup.. its a recurring disastrous occurrence...
38. Played getting married?
no way!..
39. Ever gone to school partially nude?
again.. no way!
40. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
yeh... and i dont watch gore btw... never...
41. Had crush on married man/ woman
real live not on celluloid married men??.. never!
42. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
Yeah... this real sweet old lady told me once...
43. Broken a bone?
nope..
44. Been easily amused?
always!
45. Laugh so hard you cry?
many many times..
46. Cheated on a test?
never..
47. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
nope.. i think 3 hours tops..
48. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
nope..
49. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
nope..
50. Felt like someone?
yeh... tht's happened.. its weird..
51. Thought about running away?
yup... but very ambiguously
52. Cried over someone?
yup..
53. Own an instrument?
yes... harmonium
54. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
nooo..
55. Shot a gun?
nope... never want to try..
56. Been on facebook or orkut for more than 5 hours?
nope.. i have ADD
57. Have a major crush on someone right now?
kinda sorta... nothing serious..
58. Thought about what people would say at your funeral?
yup... never worried abt it tho..
59. Got frustrated because someone didn’t kiss you?
hmmm.. dont remember feeling tht way..
60. Followed someone secretely
nope... unless stalking on orkut counts :)
1.Been arrested?
Nope. Boring is my middle name.
2 . Thought your cousin was hot?
Nah.. trying to remember, but I'm pretty sure I haven't.
3. Been in love?
Yup.
4. Gone over the speed limit?
No. See explanation in answer 1.
5. Painted your room?
My dream to do so. Haven't yet.
6. Danced in front of your mirror?
Nope. I don't dance. period.
7. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Come to think of it I have. It just isn't as sinister as this question makes it out to be.
8. Snuck out of your house?
Nope. Always managed to make excuses. :)
9. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Yup. Story of my life.
10. Been dumped?
Nope. Left a bad relationship, but no dumpings yet.
11. Left your house without telling your parents?
Nope actually. I thought I might have, but never.
12. Had a crush on your neighbor?
Hmm... nope.. Had many crushes. Never neighbors though
13. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex ?
uhh.. bed no... together on mattresses laid out on the floor.. yes...
14. Seen someone die?
yes... tht's all i have to say abt tht
15. Kissed a picture?
nope... never been that sentimental
16. Slept in until 3?
nope...
17. Love someone or miss someone right now?
yes... but not in a sad way at all.. and its not what you think... i miss and love a lot of people right now..
18. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
yup... not as often as i wish i could tho..
19. Played dress up?
not really... remember getting in sari gear once tho..
20. Cheated while playing a game?
sure.. i should be arrested when i play card games...
21. Been lonely?
yup... very..
22. Fallen asleep at work/school?
nope... not because am dedicated, diligent etc.. just cause those are really interesting places you know..
23. Been to a club?
been to bars... havent been to a club yet... see answer one to qualify these responses
24. Felt an earthquake?
yup... once.. the bhuj earthquake.. it hit us in bombay.. i was brushing my teeh and wondering why my bathroom sink was pushing back at me before i realized what was happening..
25. Touched a snake?
nope.. dont think am missing out on anything tho
26. Made out in a movie theater?
yup..
27. Been in a car accident?
nope...
28. Hated the way you look?
Yes.
29. Witnessed a crime?
nope..
30. Been lost?
hmmm.. cant remember... dont think so..
31. Been to the opposite side of the country?
been to west coast USA and east coast India... so yeah..
32. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
yup...
33. Cried yourself to sleep?
nope... i do the crying way before bedtime..
34. Sang karaoke?
nope.. would like to tho..
35. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
yes... not proud..
36. Kissed in the rain?
yup...
37. Sung in the shower?
yup.. its a recurring disastrous occurrence...
38. Played getting married?
no way!..
39. Ever gone to school partially nude?
again.. no way!
40. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
yeh... and i dont watch gore btw... never...
41. Had crush on married man/ woman
real live not on celluloid married men??.. never!
42. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
Yeah... this real sweet old lady told me once...
43. Broken a bone?
nope..
44. Been easily amused?
always!
45. Laugh so hard you cry?
many many times..
46. Cheated on a test?
never..
47. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
nope.. i think 3 hours tops..
48. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
nope..
49. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
nope..
50. Felt like someone?
yeh... tht's happened.. its weird..
51. Thought about running away?
yup... but very ambiguously
52. Cried over someone?
yup..
53. Own an instrument?
yes... harmonium
54. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
nooo..
55. Shot a gun?
nope... never want to try..
56. Been on facebook or orkut for more than 5 hours?
nope.. i have ADD
57. Have a major crush on someone right now?
kinda sorta... nothing serious..
58. Thought about what people would say at your funeral?
yup... never worried abt it tho..
59. Got frustrated because someone didn’t kiss you?
hmmm.. dont remember feeling tht way..
60. Followed someone secretely
nope... unless stalking on orkut counts :)
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