First up, if anyone noticed, there was a long hiatus on this blog. Dunno why, guess I just didnt want to write. Anyhow, if anyone missed it, I'm back.
This was not supposed to be a post, rather a private letter to a private friend. But then I thought about it. This is probably the happiest letter I have ever written. And anyhow, why only do things am comfortable with? How about openness for a change. How about letting it all hang. Letting me be me in front of more than just myself.
So this being my one outlet, here I am.
Weird things had been happning lately in my life. Things that made me feel guilty, small, scared and very badly hurt. Things that made me question fundamental things about myself. My neediness, my weakness and my loyaty. Stuff that I am ashamed to say I didnt handle very well. That cost me a few tears and maybe a frienship. But the same stuff was instrumental in making me now the happiest I have ever been . Happy sounds like a small silly word. But believe me, you feel the true calm happiness can bring and the lightness it gives to your soul. It brings a smile involuntarily to your lips. A spring in your step. Makes you sing RHCP while walking down Chesterfield hallways at the top your voice. It makes you jubilant when you have missed an assignment deadline.
Now I know that if you are actually reading this post, you must be wondering what amazing thing happened to me. Lottery winnings? an engagement ring? Well to tell you the truth, nothing like that happened. Nothing physically happed to me. What did happen was that I changed. No one but I can tell you that, but I changed. Something very basic got rewired within me.
I found something strong within me. I am happy because I found friends and I am jubilant beause I realised my happiness does not depend on them. My smiles are no longer in debt of the people I love, neither are my fears. They no longer make me, I make myself.
I found a happiness that was my own. Something I have never felt before in my life. My heart used to skip for a phone call, for an email. But never for my own prospects. Never for my own ambitions.
I have found both. I have found I have possiblities. A little late at 24 I suppose. I know I will now go further, higher, and be stronger. (was that just the Olympic slogan?? no... I dont think I put in faster)
I love my friends. Old and new alike. I never thought I would make new friends. I was happy with what I had. Never thought I could get close to anyone again, or that anyone would get close to me. It works both ways. But I realised that people are just that. People. They are the same and it takes time to understand that. It took me time to accept them and in the process I have now accepted me. This time it didnt take me long phone conversations, approvals, validation or compliments. It did take some advice but more than anything it took me.
I am now dangerouly close to loving myself. This is what it must feel like on a bottle of Prozac!
