Mind's Eye

Why does one write, when one writes? Who knows? I have no answers to my own whims and fancies concerning penning down my thoughts. Things sometimes seem important enough to write about and then sometimes things are too important to write about. I am trying to find a way of expressing myself without laying myself bare to the world. I want to be able to communicate my fears and anxieties without seeming either fearful or anxious. I wish to hide myself and let myself be known. I wish to find a razor thin edge of sanity among a maze of contradictions.

The only thing that keeps bringing me back here and keeps making me send my blog link to everyone is my desire to write. I don't think it has anything to do at all with expressing myself, making myself heard or known (at least not too much of that). It's about this overwhelming need to put thoughts down into words. See them form sentences that roll off the tongue and inspire thoughts. A lot of my writing is pure vanity. I don't think that is any great revelation, and I am in no way repelled by that thought (you might be). But yes, for me prose needs not just to be substantial but beautiful. It needs to be lyrical. Sometimes utter nonsense can seem so magical. The beauty lies in the structure of the prose. In its form, in the grace of its flow, in the atmosphere it creates. The words may not inform you of anything new and wondrous and yet the best prose is that that makes the old and tired wondrous by the very act of stating it.

Writing is a very personal experience. I am always in awe of people who can open themselves to the world with such abandon. I periodically get scared of these thoughts and withdraw from expressing myself through the one medium I can manage. I not only want to write, I was meant to write. My voice is not my vehicle of choice. I cannot make myself heard over a crowd. When I draw or paint, I can never convey exactly what I mean to. The beautiful drawing so fully formed within my brain, with such beautiful colors, with such poignant figures, can never be communicated to the world through my hands. My art is for my mind's eye alone. I am no athelete. My body has no perfection which it can convey through movement. I cannot take anyone's breath away by a display of grace. What remains are words.

They are my only and constant companions. I devour them each day by the thousands. I create them each day, renew them from old origins and mould them to become mine. I train them to be all my eyes, hands and body can never be. I use them to cast the reader's mind into a state that is all new and all mine. Do I succeed? Success is irrelevant. I am no famous author. I do not have any obligations to entertain or inform. I have no bars I need to reach. No finish lines to cross, no deadlines to meet. I am in my way free. Free to write what I want to. Free to be.

Do I envy success? Hell yes. Do I want to be as famous as the famous? Hell yes. But right now. With what I have, I am happy. I am happy to be able to do at least what I can. I need not be agreed with. I need not be annoyed with. I just get to be me. I try to make my prose all I think it needs to be. I try. That's the best I can do or say.

tagged!

Sukanti tagged me. Well kinda sorta. Anyway, if you've read the post before this you will know my state of mind about writing right now. This is an easy way out. I have questions, I have structure. I just need to answer stuff. And it's pretty entertaining to boot. So here goes:

1.Been arrested?
Nope. Boring is my middle name.

2 . Thought your cousin was hot?
Nah.. trying to remember, but I'm pretty sure I haven't.

3. Been in love?
Yup.

4. Gone over the speed limit?
No. See explanation in answer 1.

5. Painted your room?
My dream to do so. Haven't yet.

6. Danced in front of your mirror?
Nope. I don't dance. period.

7. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Come to think of it I have. It just isn't as sinister as this question makes it out to be.

8. Snuck out of your house?
Nope. Always managed to make excuses. :)

9. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Yup. Story of my life.

10. Been dumped?
Nope. Left a bad relationship, but no dumpings yet.

11. Left your house without telling your parents?
Nope actually. I thought I might have, but never.

12. Had a crush on your neighbor?
Hmm... nope.. Had many crushes. Never neighbors though

13. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex ?
uhh.. bed no... together on mattresses laid out on the floor.. yes...

14. Seen someone die?
yes... tht's all i have to say abt tht

15. Kissed a picture?
nope... never been that sentimental

16. Slept in until 3?
nope...

17. Love someone or miss someone right now?
yes... but not in a sad way at all.. and its not what you think... i miss and love a lot of people right now..

18. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
yup... not as often as i wish i could tho..

19. Played dress up?
not really... remember getting in sari gear once tho..

20. Cheated while playing a game?
sure.. i should be arrested when i play card games...

21. Been lonely?
yup... very..

22. Fallen asleep at work/school?
nope... not because am dedicated, diligent etc.. just cause those are really interesting places you know..

23. Been to a club?
been to bars... havent been to a club yet... see answer one to qualify these responses

24. Felt an earthquake?
yup... once.. the bhuj earthquake.. it hit us in bombay.. i was brushing my teeh and wondering why my bathroom sink was pushing back at me before i realized what was happening..

25. Touched a snake?
nope.. dont think am missing out on anything tho

26. Made out in a movie theater?
yup..

27. Been in a car accident?
nope...

28. Hated the way you look?
Yes.

29. Witnessed a crime?
nope..

30. Been lost?
hmmm.. cant remember... dont think so..

31. Been to the opposite side of the country?
been to west coast USA and east coast India... so yeah..

32. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
yup...

33. Cried yourself to sleep?
nope... i do the crying way before bedtime..

34. Sang karaoke?
nope.. would like to tho..

35. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
yes... not proud..

36. Kissed in the rain?
yup...

37. Sung in the shower?
yup.. its a recurring disastrous occurrence...

38. Played getting married?
no way!..

39. Ever gone to school partially nude?
again.. no way!

40. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
yeh... and i dont watch gore btw... never...

41. Had crush on married man/ woman
real live not on celluloid married men??.. never!

42. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
Yeah... this real sweet old lady told me once...

43. Broken a bone?
nope..

44. Been easily amused?
always!

45. Laugh so hard you cry?
many many times..

46. Cheated on a test?
never..

47. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
nope.. i think 3 hours tops..

48. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
nope..

49. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
nope..

50. Felt like someone?
yeh... tht's happened.. its weird..

51. Thought about running away?
yup... but very ambiguously

52. Cried over someone?
yup..

53. Own an instrument?
yes... harmonium

54. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
nooo..

55. Shot a gun?
nope... never want to try..

56. Been on facebook or orkut for more than 5 hours?
nope.. i have ADD

57. Have a major crush on someone right now?
kinda sorta... nothing serious..

58. Thought about what people would say at your funeral?
yup... never worried abt it tho..

59. Got frustrated because someone didn’t kiss you?
hmmm.. dont remember feeling tht way..

60. Followed someone secretely
nope... unless stalking on orkut counts :)

Identity

In a purely philosophical sense, the question 'who am I?' opens many doors which in turn seem to open many others in their wake. It is not just a slightly egotistic exercise for the mind, it is also a tool for self realization.

The answers to that question are myriad. Ranging from the specific, my name is ABC, son/daughter of DEF, etc., to the extremely vague, where even the existence of reality may be questioned, where sensory perceptions can be fooled and anything can happen.

Our identity is wrapped up in a thousand different colored threads. Each represents a different part of our life that has claim on us. I am an animal, a mammal, a human, a woman, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a student, an employee, a writer, a movie addict, and so on and so forth. At any given time I am an undefinable combination of all that makes me. I am as common and as unique as any one of us. That combination of beings within one is never of the same balance in any of us. We may have many beings in common but probably as many apart.

The 'self' is a very tricky thing. After all no one can experience me like I can. Each of our worlds do revolve around us. They must. You alone perceive your surroundings. You may be taught and instructed and commanded. But the experience of your actions comes through you. When I try to understand selflessness, I generally fail. I know that in the English language that word is tied up with a positive connotation. It is associated with people who seem to be paragons of virtue. Who leave self aside and live only for others. I simply cannot see how. I personally do not believe it is possible to be without self, without identity.

To do good for others does not mean to deny self. Even if it may translate very literally like that sometimes, where you give your bread to someone else so that they may survive. Even in such a case, the self has not disappeared. There is gratification in doing good. It is impossible to simply remove yourself from any situation. You can make a decision which may be better for someone else rather than you, but you have not left the knowledge of yourself anywhere, it is there with you essentially there, for all time.

We our born with our own lots. We are our own keepers. We may identify with others, we may love others, we may seek out others, but the only thing that will never desert us is ourselves. This realization is not as self evident as you might think it is. It takes time for a person to realize that to make yourself happy and content is one of the only priorities in life. Without self happiness, you cannot help anyone else. Only if you are content can you really help others be content. You can then love with everything you have because then there will be no resentment, no ugliness. You must have self worth and happiness in order to be a good daughter, mother, wife, citizen, good anything really.

I guess what I really wanted to say through all this rambling is that happiness that comes through being content with one's self, is the only pure kind. It brings no envy, no bitterness and it shines through and multiplies. Understanding one's self, understanding all the facets of one's identity and learning to live with it, that's all we need to do.

Now that sounds easy dunnit? heheheheheehe

Strength

It is the single most important virtue in our lives. The strength to motivate ourselves, the strength to have a vision of a better life, the strength to work, the strength to let ourselves hang loose, the strength to open up to others, the strength to deal with the darkest secrets of others and ourselves. It is strength that you need when you must deal with deprivation and scarcity. It is strength you need when you must deal with temptation and seduction. It is strength you need when making moral choices. It is strength you need when you are the one called upon to take care of others, be those others a family of three or a society of a million.

It is the one thing I pray for. It is the one thing I never want to run out of. Both physically and mentally, I want to be strong for myself and all others whose lives I touch in the smallest way. It is the one thing I wish upon every person in this world. The strength to take a stand, to be themselves, to resist peer pressure, to fight, to care, to love. That's all we need. Strength.

Chaos and Fractals

I am now going to slump back into one of those philosophical musings that I sometimes do. The fact that this time philosophy not only coincides with but mingles and is born from science is in itself an event worthy of mention. Fine!, so the geek-o-meter on this post is set to high. I admit and embrace my geekiness.

I recently have taken a class that required me to understand the physicist's version of what chaos is. I also learned about what the Butterfly effect is and how any of this makes any difference to me. I got hooked. Not just because of the far reaching consequences of understanding chaotic systems, but also the elegance that lies within one. The patterns that are evident beneath and its effects on our understanding of the Universe.

All my friends who have had anything to do with physics, will know what I mean by a deterministic system. Determinism is the basis of a lot of physics. All systems that are deterministic show a very defined relationship between cause and effect. This is a part of Newtonian physics. We believe that if we can understand the initial conditions of a system, and mathematically compute all its interactions, we can reasonably predict the outcomes down the line. The path of planetary orbits were calculated this way rather reasonably.

However things were not quite as simple as they seemed. Since measurement is one of the cornerstones of science, a lot depends on the accuracy of these measurements of the initial conditions. Earlier it was thought that a very small discrepancy could hardly affect the outcomes of the systems. However Edward Lorenz in 1961, found out that that was entirely wrong. Some systems, especially weather systems, show very remarkable sensitivity to the initial conditions. So remarkable in fact that it lead Lorenz to hypothesize that the fluttering of the wings of a butterfly could change the conditions enough to create a cyclone in the future. Thus giving birth to the term, the 'Butterfly Effect'. (Women, stop thinking of Ashton Kutcher now!)

Such systems, showing this sensitivity were called chaotic systems. This chaos however again has nothing to do with the frenzy associated with the lay use of the word. Scientists soon found some patterns hidden within this chaos. These were termed as 'attractors'. The famous 'Lorenz Attractor' actually does look like a butterfly weirdly :)

Image on the left, is a plot of the Lorenz Attractor taken from Wikipedia. Patterns in chaos meant something very interesting. We may have a problem predicting systems right now, but if patterns exist, then can't they be explained by some sort of equation? Finding equations is apparently the no. 1 preoccupation of physicists.

Now comes the more interesting part. People who have fallen asleep can wake up now. What is a little more fun about these patterns in chaos, is the structures they create. Some attractors were found to consists of self similar structures known as fractals.

Fractals are probably one of the most fascinating geometries in the world. What is meant by self similar is that every part of the fractal when magnified consists of the entire structure of the fractal. This keeps on going ad infinitum till it is resolved to its smallest structure, and it creates insanely beautiful things. To put this in perspective, DNA is a fractal. So are mountain ranges, coastlines, snowflakes, etc. Nature abounds in examples of fractal geometries and scientists are extremely excited about that.

Why am I excited? and why do I subject you to this lecture? Well its a two part answer. Fractals and computer generated fractal images spoke to me, like no other art form has ever done. Every new image I see just makes me gasp in wonder. It opens up lines of thought I did not think I was deep enough to have. I am going to attach a few images. You will see for yourself, the beauty of these images.

Secondly, this is one scientific theory that makes sense to me. I can understand why anyone would pursue a lifetime trying to understand this. It epitomizes all that I believe science should epitomize. It is truly inter disciplinary. It has repercussions all throughout the physical world, from space to DNA. It is just beautiful and elegant. These I believe are reasons enough to care.

I shall leave you with some gasping and awing. Here are a few images of fractal art I found.


The above image is entitled 'Spectral Staircase'


This one is called 'Birds of Paradise'.

The resolution is not the greatest on these as they are on the post, so do click to enlarge. I am adding the URL to the site where you can see these and many other fractal images created by this artist. http://content.techrepublic.com.com/2346-10878_11-33277.html?tag=gald

Also I will give you the URL to a website where you can download a fractal creator if you would like. You can actually feed in basic equations to create your own fractals and can select color schemes etc. http://www.majorgeeks.com/Fractal_Forge_d4493.html

To all the people who's website links and images I have used, please don't be upset. None of this is for profit. In fact I just thought it would be great to let people know about this.

So, I am expecting comments, I hope I get some. Don't think of this as a boring science lecture. I encourage you to explore these topics. I do believe they hold a fascination for anyone, not only those connected with science.

Embracing Bollywood

For some of you out there, this post is going to seem really out of character for me. After all the cribbing and snuffing of Karan Johar and his lot, people may have started to think that I do not care for our movie industry. That I spurn Yash Chopra for James Cameron. But today I want to put these speculations to rest. Whatever our problems, however scarce actual scriptwriters are and however much the other ones spend on old Hollywood DVDs, I still embrace this industry as an integral part of my growing up and I publicly acknowledge that I am grateful for it.

Right from the old scratchy black and white marvels, such as CID and Bhoot Bangla, through the piled up hairstyles of Sharmila Tagore, through the faux western piece of genius Sholay, through the young heroes debuting in QSQT, MPK and Baazigar to their eventual stardom and to some nuanced performances in new age movies. All through this, I have enjoyed the ride.

Our family was one that enjoyed their movie watching experience. The world of movies was therefore open to me at a very young age. Such was the prodigious nature of the love, that all forms of cinema were equally revered. I saw Hrishikesh Mukherji gems like 'Satyakaam' and 'Chupke Chupke' with equal interest as Manmohan Desai films like 'Amar Akbar Anthony'.

There are many things in Indian cinema that require you to suspend your belief. For e.g. Sanjay Dutt driving in a car on Marine Drive singing a song and as he is just about to reach Nariman Point, the scene suddenly changes to the serene mountains of Switzerland. Switzerland!!.. Somebody show me that shortcut!

But there has to be something said about the magic of the movies. There is stuff for every one's tastes. Middle aged heroes pretend to be 20 years old and go to college, but that it seems is exactly what 16 year old girls want to see. For the older folk, there are stars like Om Prakash and Utpal Dutt. For adults there are some very serious and surprisingly insightful moves like 'Arth' and 'Ardha Satya'. For the housewives trying to escape into worlds that don't involve cutting vegetables and shouting at bais, there are the super luxurious Chopra productions and now the Johar movies. Like I said there's something for everyone.

I realize that for me, the more important thing is the stories. I realize that my all embracing and somewhat eccentric tastes do have a very common core. The story. I am a sucker for two types of stories. The complete formula stories (Sports movies, Love stories, Mysteries) and the complete opposite, which says hell to formula, we'll have some innovation please.

It seems weird to think that I can enjoy both equally. But there is a weird sense of rhythm and comfort in the formulaic tearjerker or inspirational film and a sense of excitement and newness to the other type of movie.

I will leave you with a list of the ten best Hindi movies I have seen (in no particular order). It'll be great if you guys can comment and lemme know about yours. This post is about nostalgia. It'll be great to sit and reminisce, even if it is in the comments column :)

Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar
Sholay
Andaz Apna Apna
Satyakaam
Golmaal
Namak Haram
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa
Lagaan
Abhimaan
Muskurahat

Conventional Wisdom

What would the world be like if no one told us what it is like? This is not as absurd a question as it might seem. What would things be like if we had to discover everything by ourselves. If no conventional wisdom existed, if no one had theories, if no one told, taught, dictated or ordered. Quite unimaginable isn't it?

We are a society you say. We are curious, we ask, we learn, we have an innate need to spread knowledge, spread the word. All this is true, and may even be the answer to why conventional wisdom exists. But what if it didn't?

What if everyday was a discovery unto oneself? What if no appropriate feelings or words existed, but the ones we utter? What if?

It would definitely not be a functional world. No civilization would exist, no society and no greatness. We would be like animals I guess (I don't know of course, but maybe). Its just a state of mind we can imagine ourselves in. Imagine us as free from all rules, all theories. There is nothing but our minds.

I wonder if in such a case, I would have the potential to figure things out for myself. To understand that there is a force that pulls me to the earth. To figure out words and communication. I wonder if all that knowledge is even necessary for me to have a fulfilling life. This is all a fantasy, but one that is unusually freeing for my mind.

I mention this just to illustrate the power others' thoughts have on our existence. We live and die by others principles. We fight for others' beliefs, we kill for the appeasement of others. Wars are fought on the dictates of others. Peace is sought for the happiness of others.

This is not however a correct representation of our lives. Free will is what separates us from just becoming other people's playthings. We make a choice to believe. We make a choice to agree, to dissent, to love and hate. What is still ours is our ability to analyze and understand others' thoughts.

You must therefore understand that though we are indebted to others' lives for our daily wisdom, we are ultimately responsible for our actions resulting from it. We cannot be sheep, we cannot just follow. Even if we rely on others' work, we must take the responsibility to make our own choice.

Suidae

For all those non-biology majors and for a large portion of even the biology majors, let me inform you that the title of this post means 'Pig'. Yup I am going to talk about our porky friends. I have been requested to do so by a dear friend, who I know was making fun of me, but challenged me to a write off nonetheless.

I started to think of what I can write of concerning pigs. Well, for one I think that we do them an injustice by associating their name with many negative things. 'Sweat like a pig' is a weird phrase, I've never really seen a pig sweat, and have no idea if the their dermal excretions are abnormally high. Also, the association with filth and dirt. I mean yeah, a pig does get caught with its nose in a garbage can an inordinate number of times, but hey, one man's meat etc. etc.

Most of the times I find pigs slightly snooty. Have you seen a family of pigs running along a street. It looks like Ma pig is out shopping and the procession of youngsters behind her, just give the impression of a cavalcade. What makes them seem snooty I guess is the fact that they don't seem to believe in the need for communication with mankind. While a dog is most happy to display its feelings to us, by barking, snarling or drool grinning (a very unique doggie trait), pigs seem to be content just staring at you. There doesn't even seem to be the slightest curiosity. It seems like a calm patience, but still makes you realise you're not really welcome.

Greed is another of those famous pig characteristics. Pigs really do seem to enjoy their food. I think that just shows hearty well being. Greed? am not so sure.

The pigs in India tend to be dark and hairy. They also seem to adore the outdoors and are frequently seen roaming around streets miles away from any pigpen. The pigs outside in the western world seem slightly more subservient to mankind. Confinement is no problem as long as the grub is good. They also have that pink color that seems to make those little piglets so adorable.

So what do these porkers mean to us then. Not much I think. These seem to be proud animals not really suited for domestication. Not in the way pet owners want them to be. (I have heard pot-bellied pigs do make good pets, but this is in general). Their tie with us is only for the food. Sadly. Because they do seem like animals I would like to know. I am glad toy makers seem to revel in the image of the pig. They do have a fascination for children and child-like adults (namely me). I do not think I would have given so much thought to the pig if it wasn't for my friend's assignment. Makes me think of the other zillions of subjects I haven't thought about.

Thanks be to him, and to you for reading this.

Randomness

Thoughts range free now. Pretty much at randomness. How much of what we say or write is really our own and not filtered thoughts of others? Is it possible to have an original thought?

It is great to be inspired by words and deeds, it is great to emulate (or is it), but is there a special area where you create the deeds, you inspire the words? Is that what the goal of life should be?

Lots of questions huh? Well when the mind roams in randomness, I still find more questions than answers. I guess the turning point will arrive when the answers take over my brain and surprise me with their clarity.

I think very seriously that that is the ambition of my life. I have tried to reconcile my goals within the parameters of money, fame, charity, virtue. Don't get me wrong, I want all of those in plenty, but the one ambition that is constant, that does not shift or change is that of knowledge. Of original knowledge. Something that is not just an interpretation of other people's words, but an original thought, a private glimpse at the truth.

People want many things in their lifetime and things achieved before they die. Ever since I was a kid I remember that my one wish was that all will be revealed before death. That I will know.

To tell you the truth, this monologue was inspired by the silliest of things. I was going through some of my friends' 'about me' columns on a networking site. So many had quotes from different sources, some credited, some not ( a pretense of ownership?). I cannot help but wonder whether this is incomplete, the act of describing yourself through other people's words. They never knew you. They never went through the many circumstances you alone have faced. One must understand oneself in order to write such things.

I am trying not to be judgmental. And I do understand that what people write in these columns is generally of no importance whatsoever. But I can't help but think, so many experiences, so many perspectives. Maybe it would be one of the greatest things in the world, if everyone could express themselves. Originally.