purpose

I dont know at what point in life i decided that being mediocre was ok, but I do know that I lead a very mediocre, pointless existence. Most of the times this thought does not even cross my mind and am comfortable in my ignorance. But sometimes it shines through with searing clarity and I just wonder. Is there anything I would ever give my life for? A cause I would be happy fighting for? When I say cause I dont mean some shallow 'save the dolphins' march, but an ideal, a principle. I rarely look inwards, at least rarely do I look deeply. It is too scary, too empty. Darkness is a thing I sometimes encounter. It envelopes me and lulls me wth its heavines. There is nothing comforting about the darkness. It is suffocating and painful. I wonder whether all I need is a purpose. Something to live for. To see with my own two eyes the physical evidence of making a difference (again this is no mushy thing like peace to humanity or saving the world, just the physical evidence that another human being acknowledges my existence and is not entirely unhappy that they met me). Something to define me to describe me.

maturity

My life isnt one big party, neither is it a geek fest full of reasearch proposals and hypothesis critiques. To define my life in one word would be to say it's routine, mundane or rather more bluntly put, boring. So how do I bring colour to it? why by borrowing tons of free dvds home from the friendly neighborhood public library of course. Every weekend is a mini film festival in my room. So, do I take advantage of my newly found freedom and legal age and get movies of mature content with relvant and worthy themes or at least racy themes or at least political themes? Well, lately my movie list has read a bit like this, Fantasia (disney), chitti chitti bang bang, Lord of the Rings, Southpark (the movie), Murder on the Orient Express and Harry Potter.... mature?... hmmmm

My roomie brings home Wutheing Heights and The Notebook and cribs about my cartoonish taste in movies (disclaimer: am putting this is in so when roomie reads blog she doesnt kil me: She is a nice gal and we get along real well... its just tht we have natures tht are at counterpoints... its just fascinating for me to see things from her perspective and examine mine)..
anyway... so we were at the point where i was being critcized for being kiddish and immature... so I got to thinking whether that is what i am or whether i actually am finding qualities in simplicity that no one looks for...

I'd like to think that is true.. i have major respect for the animation feature... first of all it is enormously difficult to do and no tom dick and harry can decide to go to animation school unless they have at least the semblance of talent.... i have huge respect for people who can convey feelings in a graphic or visual format... and i think the animated movie when well made brings out a beauty that is seldom seen in real life.... i like fantasy... in movies and books... i have been accused of being an escapist... a charge i wouldnt dream of denying... i want to go into movies to get out of my life... esp since my life is in the abovementioned state....

does it make me immature if i still cry when ET almost dies?... i dunno... i'd like to think tht the movie hit a chord with me tht has remained.... tht when i see it i feel the emotions as i did when i was a wondrous 4 yr old.... that i recognise pure emotion and that i can still enjoy it..

in terms of books like LOTR and Christie mysteries... the truth is that that is great writing.... the prose is so fluid and passionate... the narrative so compelling... i do like to think that i love these books for their value to literature... it is difficult for me to accept movies and books where there is no effort evident... no passion in the storytelling and no coherence in the subject... i am open to all genres... romance not so much..... i've been crticized, by my dad mostly, tht i look down on hindi movies while watching english ones tht are as farfetched... well just wanna say tht being farfetched is not the fault... if a farfetched movie is made with the zeal and passion and the talent of a good filmmaker then we can get classics... sholay being case in point...

so what is maturity? can we call someone attached to his schultz cartoon strips and whooping at the mention of x men immature?... i think the people who are willing to condemn oughta take a little time off and examine these things for themselves... thinking urself above these or rather beyond these little childish traits may make you lose out on one of the most magical things in life... being able to summon the childish feeling of wonder and delight even when your mind and body have grown jaded..