purpose

I dont know at what point in life i decided that being mediocre was ok, but I do know that I lead a very mediocre, pointless existence. Most of the times this thought does not even cross my mind and am comfortable in my ignorance. But sometimes it shines through with searing clarity and I just wonder. Is there anything I would ever give my life for? A cause I would be happy fighting for? When I say cause I dont mean some shallow 'save the dolphins' march, but an ideal, a principle. I rarely look inwards, at least rarely do I look deeply. It is too scary, too empty. Darkness is a thing I sometimes encounter. It envelopes me and lulls me wth its heavines. There is nothing comforting about the darkness. It is suffocating and painful. I wonder whether all I need is a purpose. Something to live for. To see with my own two eyes the physical evidence of making a difference (again this is no mushy thing like peace to humanity or saving the world, just the physical evidence that another human being acknowledges my existence and is not entirely unhappy that they met me). Something to define me to describe me.

maturity

My life isnt one big party, neither is it a geek fest full of reasearch proposals and hypothesis critiques. To define my life in one word would be to say it's routine, mundane or rather more bluntly put, boring. So how do I bring colour to it? why by borrowing tons of free dvds home from the friendly neighborhood public library of course. Every weekend is a mini film festival in my room. So, do I take advantage of my newly found freedom and legal age and get movies of mature content with relvant and worthy themes or at least racy themes or at least political themes? Well, lately my movie list has read a bit like this, Fantasia (disney), chitti chitti bang bang, Lord of the Rings, Southpark (the movie), Murder on the Orient Express and Harry Potter.... mature?... hmmmm

My roomie brings home Wutheing Heights and The Notebook and cribs about my cartoonish taste in movies (disclaimer: am putting this is in so when roomie reads blog she doesnt kil me: She is a nice gal and we get along real well... its just tht we have natures tht are at counterpoints... its just fascinating for me to see things from her perspective and examine mine)..
anyway... so we were at the point where i was being critcized for being kiddish and immature... so I got to thinking whether that is what i am or whether i actually am finding qualities in simplicity that no one looks for...

I'd like to think that is true.. i have major respect for the animation feature... first of all it is enormously difficult to do and no tom dick and harry can decide to go to animation school unless they have at least the semblance of talent.... i have huge respect for people who can convey feelings in a graphic or visual format... and i think the animated movie when well made brings out a beauty that is seldom seen in real life.... i like fantasy... in movies and books... i have been accused of being an escapist... a charge i wouldnt dream of denying... i want to go into movies to get out of my life... esp since my life is in the abovementioned state....

does it make me immature if i still cry when ET almost dies?... i dunno... i'd like to think tht the movie hit a chord with me tht has remained.... tht when i see it i feel the emotions as i did when i was a wondrous 4 yr old.... that i recognise pure emotion and that i can still enjoy it..

in terms of books like LOTR and Christie mysteries... the truth is that that is great writing.... the prose is so fluid and passionate... the narrative so compelling... i do like to think that i love these books for their value to literature... it is difficult for me to accept movies and books where there is no effort evident... no passion in the storytelling and no coherence in the subject... i am open to all genres... romance not so much..... i've been crticized, by my dad mostly, tht i look down on hindi movies while watching english ones tht are as farfetched... well just wanna say tht being farfetched is not the fault... if a farfetched movie is made with the zeal and passion and the talent of a good filmmaker then we can get classics... sholay being case in point...

so what is maturity? can we call someone attached to his schultz cartoon strips and whooping at the mention of x men immature?... i think the people who are willing to condemn oughta take a little time off and examine these things for themselves... thinking urself above these or rather beyond these little childish traits may make you lose out on one of the most magical things in life... being able to summon the childish feeling of wonder and delight even when your mind and body have grown jaded..

whatever happened to ecology?

I have been thinkin about this for a while now. Have had discussions with two people. One, my closest friend, and one my newbie roommate. The convesations totally bear out the fact that you can choose your friends not your roommates.

I am a geologist training now to be an ecologist. There's not much I wanted to do for a living than work with nature. In all its resplendent, glorious and oftentimes disgusting form. One vey important thing has bee driven into my head over these past 6 years of learning, and that is that we just dont know enough!... we really dont....

we dont know how all the intricate threads of nature work... we dont know just how miniscule or just how massive a change will caus catastrophe.... granted that we have done a lot of work... and over the years we have made a few strides... but we have also understood that the earth is so vast that we have probably not even covered 1/10th of the knowledge it has to give us....

we have made strides but we have also made gigantic mistakes.... and many a times we have made these mistakes behind the vener of knowledge.... (anybody doubting this should look up the hisory of the Yellowstone National Park)...

not only the lay people.. but even our scientists have fallen prey to this thought process... they get scred if their studies start to show anything contradicting older more accpted theories....

my roomie was under this illusion... when we had a iscussion on species coservation... she said why worry???... so we lose species?..... so we lose animals???... we'll just use our knowledge and adjust the equbrilium of the earth....those were her exact words...and dont start thinking tht this is some young girl with britany speas on her mind.... she's PhD student doing her degree in biomed....a scientist like her is full of such arrogance.... i can just imagine the many others.... and then i can just imagine the lay people who come under their influence and start believing in our position as the "ultimate rulers" (another one oher phrases)...

why hve we lost our humility?... why have we lost our sense of wonder?... why do we think we are indepndent of any other influence.. tht we dont belong to any ecosystem... rather that we own it....why dont we thing its horrible tht our children may never see a wild buck?...

i dunno... and i think lots of people dont care.... when i put tht argument to her.. she said to me tht we have ecologists like u working on it... we dont have to care... tht's when i decided i must write a blog abt this.... cos really... we ecologists are just a miniscule part of the society... it is people like my roomies an you who must care...otherwise we have no legs to stand on....

I was talking to my closest friend about this... and she made me find hope.... there are people who care and people who will use their voice... but use their voice they must....

i think i have finally found a purpose to my blog after all this floundering.... hopefully i can keep writing about issues i care about.... not just abstract thoughts... hopefully i can write about things you need to hear and not ramblings... dunno if i can do it...
sure will try.

I

I realised something over the past few weeks. I have never used the word 'I' in my blogs. Is that because I did not want to reveal myself to the 2 people who might actually read this blog?? Or is it cause I didnt think aything about myself was remotely interesting to the duo. Well I think its a combination of both things. Am not comfortable letting myself hang out in public and I really dont think anyone wants to hear about me. Then I realised that whats the use of only doing things I am comfortable with? So hey presto! you now have to hear about me. thankfully you have that back button on your browser so you can leave anytime.

I have a few simple and sometimes rather strong beliefs. One is that things will happen. Though I can control how I deal with the things, that does not change the fact that 'things will happen.' So you gotta live with it. I also believe that if you want it strong enough you gotta go get it, just wanting it does nothing. The biggie belief in my life is that the written word matters. However crude or however polished and elegant, any written word matters. The one last thing is I love dogs. I just do. Cant be changed.

Otherwise I'm pretty flexible about my beliefs on anythig else. So that's it, that's me. I dont know whether I'll write more about me in the future or continue withmy thoughts objectively put. I dont know. But hey, uncertainty is fun.

strangers

The ability to recognise someone, to acknowledge that person and in turn be thought of by him is familiarity. We all pass by countless people however without ever acknowleding their presence, without a smile, without a nod. How many soulmates have we lost? How many inspirations have we let fall away? The boy who sits across from you in the bus. He seems worried, such furrows in his brow, such tension in his shoulders. You want to tell him that it will be alright, to ask him to let go and move on, but how can you?? he is a stranger. The old lady with her head tilted and resting on the frosted window, she smiles with some secret happiness, you want to be able to share the mirth that lies so close to the surface, you want to rejoice with her, but you will not, she is a stranger. When do strangers become our own people? What is that exact moment when the tension breaks, smiles erupt and hands are pushed forward? It is indescribable, and it is so different in different conditions. But one thing we can say... it is magical.

outsider

All of us know what its like to be on the outside. To sit about and look in. To see others the way they will never really see themselves. To see them laugh, to hear them talk together. Feel the difference between you and them. Feel an invisible distance. Feel the inability to relate. You feel the momentary impulse where you want to belong. Especially since you feel so alone at that moment. You feel like you would like to feel a part of things, to feel welcome. You are the outsider. The one who probably understands and sees things better and yet will never feel satisfied with knowing that. You are the outsider and you will pass your own silent judgement and it will hurt when it doesnt matter. You are the outsider, or at least you are until you meet the one person who's every nuance you know, you both smile, and with that person's touch, an understanding is passed on and you feel what you've wanted to all this while, you feel you finally belong.

Isolated reading

Have u ever sat in a huge public area, sitting all by yourself reading a book? Its one of the most blissful experiences I know. I mean, maybe it would be great just to find the perfect nook and read in peace and quiet, but there is something much more immersing about a public readin experience. U suddenly exist to noone else but to you and your reality which is now the book. U have friends all around you, those created by your favorite author, and suddenly you belong in a new and forbidding environment. There is something about being able to find isolation in public. Something worth trying.